It was a crisp January morning. The moon was full, huge, a rarity for this time of morning. The fog loomed above the ground and roamed throughout path, encompassing everything in its midst-trees, houses, and my truck. It looked like something from a painting, a movie, maybe a book. Yet, aren’t all of these first inspired by scenes of nature itself? Art and culture are performed in awe and admiration of the Creator and truly are acts of worship in glory to His name. All of these are thoughts I had while staring breathlessly into the beyond while driving to work.
December had gone and a new year had started. Is the wait and see over? Did I miss it God? I began to reflect over the last few messages…
- I realized I had a control problem and needed to trust God more because HE can bring chaos out of the mess I created. Because, chaos is a sign of not trusting God, but rather trusting in yourself, reminding me to humble myself and submit myself to the Lord. I wrestled with what submission really meant, and what is the difference between control and discipline.
- I learned that I had, once again, built a wall around parts of my heart, a wall that I thought would give me strength, but true strength is to be found by remaining in God, not locked away in a tower from Him. The Spirit whispered things to me during this time, like “Love doesn’t always look like Mr. Darcy, sometimes it looks like a warrior” and “The Father loves you unconditionally and nothing you do can make Us love you more or less”.
- Perhaps one of the most painful epiphanies I received was realizing I lacked peace in my life, but was, instead, in a storm because of trusting in myself and not God. I created my own storm, but worst of all, I wasn’t even asking God to take me out. I was still trying to get myself out, even though I knew I could not. Even though I consider myself to be a disciple of Christ, I was still placing faith in myself and not Jesus. I knew He was the One who held the power over the storms, and yet I still said “That’s okay, I’m good” and proceeded to try to fix my own mess.
- Probably the most profound and meaningful truth that I gathered from this particular series, however, comes from Sunday, December 11, 2016. “The Mighty God can create order from our chaos,. He moves on behalf of His followers, but not in the way we think.”
In my previous blog, I noted that I thought I had received my Word from God before 2016 was even over, which was unusual but fitting. God had been teaching me to have faith in Him and to come to Him and ask Him for things. So in my heart I asked what my word-if there even would be one-for 2017 would be, honestly not expecting an immediate answer. However, just a few minutes later He spoke, “Move” to me, not like a physical move, but more of a personal, life-changing move.
I think in the last few weeks of 2016, as I thought about what this word meant I had a lot of it backwards. I thought of it in light of my marriage an how God would “move us” to something greater. I thought about work and how He might would “move” me to a different position at work. And even the scary thought of “moving houses” appeared briefly before I smacked it back into left field where things like that belong. I am now sitting here in bed, almost a month into 2017, realizing that God didn’t intended my word to be ANY of those things. When God spoke to me “Move”, He was and still is speaking of a personal move, a move in the very deepest parts of my soul. This move isn’t about anyone else or changing them, it’s about how He’s going to change me, and how HE is going to move in my life.
Sometimes I get so obsessive and controlling and want to be in charge of everything in my life that I “try to remove the speck from my neighbor’s eye instead of looking at the log in mine”. Translated: I worry about my daughter being “good” and behaving the way I think she should while also trying to get my husband to fit into this spiritual mold that I’ve constructed in my mind as the way to be a “godly man and husband/father”, both of which are totally legalistic and so far from what the Bible instructs me to be as a woman of God. So no, “move” isn’t God telling me He’s going to work wonders and turn my family into perfect angels that suddenly fit my selfish “wishes”. Oh, and “move” really isn’t about God suddenly deciding He’s going to fulfill expectations and plans I put into my head long ago without receiving any sort of guidance from Him at all.
No, “move” is about something far greater. I see now the beginning stages of God doing a total, absolute, MOVE in me, a complete paradigm shift. For starters, this year along with my word came scripture I’ve been instructed to study, as well as a personal assignment, both of which I’m sure I’ll blog about some other time as it will be something that takes a while. “Move” is about my life becoming less about me, and ALL about Him. “Move” is me believing that God really WILL create order from my chaos, moving on my behalf, but not even in the slightest way I would think.
Would you really expect any less from God, for Him to completely blow our minds and do something totally out of the comfortable norm?
In looking back now, I don’t think I “missed it” at all. What God had me waiting for in my “wait and see” was totally different from what I thought it would be. God didn’t suddenly give me a better job, or a cleaner house, or a “fix-it-all” solution to the multitude of insignificant worries rolling around in my head. He didn’t increase our salaries or give me a new washing machine and dryer, nor did He throw anything else at me like a genie whose lamp has been rubbed three times. So, what did He give me?
He gave me a word, but oh He gave me so much more than just a word. He gave me a movement, in its beginning stages so far, that will change my life, and change me forever, all for His glory and to further His Kingdom. He gave me a promise and a purpose, to move and be moved. And while I know I’m beginning on a journey that will last a long time, the truth is that even if this were all He ever did, His promise is already fulfilled. HE is faithful. He has moved and will move again. And I look forward to the movement.