Purpose in the Pain

I opened my computer to work on a school project, but instead I felt a slight nudge to blog. But here’s the thing, I don’t want to write this. I really don’t. I don’t want to talk about my pain. I don’t want pity. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t want to get into particulars. But even though I don’t want to, I need to. I don’t think I’ve ever written about this, but it’s part of my story, and telling it will help me accept it. And who knows, maybe one of you needs to read this. And if you can relate, I would love to hear your story too. I do apologize as this will probably end up being a lengthier blog post.

In February 2016, having just turned 23, I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Some of you may know but those of you who don’t, there are two types of diabetes: 1 and 2. Type 2 occurs because of lifestyle choices and because of that, it can be prevented and managed with diet and exercise. Type 1 is genetic, it makes you insulin dependent, and there is no cute. Usually type 1 is diagnosed in childhood, particularly the early years. It’s unusual for someone to get a late diagnosis of Type 1. When I tell people I was 23 when I found out they usually look at me shocked. They ask if I have anyone in my family with it. I know I have a third cousin with Type 1 and two great grandparents who had Type 2. Other than that, I don’t know of anyone, but I have a large extended family so who knows. So yes, I’m slightly a medical marvel according to my doctor.

At my first appointment the doctor that I began to see for my diabetes told me they would run some tests to check, but he was almost positive it was type 2. He gave me some medicine samples to start taking and said they would call me back in a week with the results. A few days later they called back and to stop taking the medicine immediately as it was not approved for type 1 diabetics. I would have to go back in for an education appointment and a follow-up to talk about using insulin. I think at that point it was just kind of a blur. That second appointment with my doctor was interesting to say the least. My A1C (average blood sugar level of the previous 3 months) was terrible, and whatever it is they test in your pancreas, well, my number was so bad he told me it was a miracle that it was even functioning at this point. He said it would probably go out sometime later down the road. Still not sure how exactly I’ll know when it does, but I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. But I was determined to adjust to this diagnosis and do well.

That first year I did do well. At the very next appointment my doctor was shocked. My A1C was in the perfect range. The next few appointments were good too, but it did come up a little. Then Spring 2017 hit and things started going downhill. I was depressed a lot, but also had moments of high energy. I felt crazy at times. I say my physician about it, I talked to a counselor for a few months, and eventually saw a psychiatrist. In the Fall of 2017 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Type 2, which is known as seasonal or cyclic bipolar disorder. I felt utterly defeated and relieved at the same time. Relieved to know that I was in fact NOT crazy, but defeated because, well, this had been one of my biggest fears over the years as I watched someone close to me go through life with this diagnosis and I didn’t want that to happen to me. So I didn’t really know what the future held for me with this, but it was an emotional time. As you can imagine, I fell off the wagon with taking care of myself with my diabetes management. I call this my “denial” stage. I didn’t want to admit to myself that this was really something I had.

By the beginning of 2018 I was feeling better. The mood stabilizer was working, and I wanted to try to start managing my diabetes better. It didn’t last long. At first I was taking my insulin, checking my blood sugar, eating a little better, and there was even a slight attempt to exercise more. I began to be disillusioned into ultimately thinking, “If I try hard enough, I can fix this. I don’t need the mood stabilizer. I don’t need the insulin. I can work hard at this and I’ll get better. I CAN do this!” I stopped taking all my medicine later on in the year. No mood stabilizer, no insulin, no reflux medicine, no allergy medicine, no vitamins – I cut everything. As you can imagine, I felt terrible. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t beat it, any of it. And because of that, I constantly felt guilt and shame. Now looking back, I know the reason I felt terrible is because I wasn’t taking my medicine, or taking care of myself period. Yet at the time, I still believed I could do it on my own.

November 2018 was the turning point. It was the wake-up appointment that I needed. I had a new doctor. She took my A1C and it was actually worse than when I was first diagnosed. I decided to just come clean and tell her everything I was struggling with. She was the first person that I was completely honest with about what all I was going through, how I had stopped all my meds, etc. We came up with a treatment plan and I told her I would actually try to stick to it; I would start to care again. She was able to prescribe my mood stabilizer, she upped my dose of daily insulin, I would start taking meal-time insulin with my heaviest meal of the day, and I would use my Dexcom sensor and check my blood sugar twice a day. 

I’m happy to report that ever since that appointment I have only missed maybe 3 days of the daily insulin. My A1C decreased a little, but I would keep working on it. I did have to increase my meal-time insulin to twice a day (sometimes 3 times depending on how I eat)I’ve been taking my mood stabilizer, along with the typical vitamins, allergy meds – you know the drill. For the next 3ish months I was doing well. Then, I had a setback.

My insurance changed, which meant prices of supplies changed. Prices of doctor visits changed. Prices of my medicine changed. It rocked me a little, but what could I do? “We’ll do what we have to, you have to have this,” Brandon told me. So I worked with the doctor and my insurance and we found things that would help and they got me going again. It’s been about two months now since then, and I’m adjusting. I had an appointment last week and my A1C came down a little more. It’s being managed a lot better, and we increased my dosage a little more while I agreed (or rather, Brandon agreed for me since he was with me this time at my appointment) to begin exercising and checking my blood sugar a little more consistently (Hey, I’m human and slacked off a little, but I was definitely better than before!).

So here I am, one week later, writing this. I’ve been trying to log my food, water, and exercise each stay and stick to a calorie goal. I’ve exercised 4 of the last days. And I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve pricked myself on the finger or given myself insulin. Tonight, as I did my insulin, it hurt worse than other days. I could feel the tears coming and had a moment. The weight of it all hit me. I had to text a friend:

“It hurts. The finger pricks not as bad, but the insulin needles hurt. It used to not hurt this bad, or maybe that’s just because these last several months I’ve actually been doing what I’m supposed to. Sometimes when I do the insulin it hits a vein and bleeds. Sometimes it leaves a bruise. And it hit me…”

“I will have to do this every single day for the rest of my life.”

After 3 years, I don’t know why I am just now seeing this, believing this. But I had this big moment of truth. There is literally nothing I can do to fix this, and it’s not my fault. I did not cause this to happen. I cannot exercise enough or eat better enough to make this go away. That being said, it is my goal to REDUCE the amount of insulin I have to take by eating healthier and exercising more. But I will never not need it. There is no end.

“It’s not like taking an antibiotic where you take it when you’re sick and then you get better and you’re done. But that’s been my attitude for the last two years – ‘I’ve just got to get better, to fix myself, and then I can be done with this’. There is no being ‘done’. At least not here in this earthly body.”

In our community group, we’ve had several discussions over pain, suffering, and trials. I knew I had been through small things, but I couldn’t think of anything “major” that I had really gone through. Tonight it hit me. I’ve been dismissive of these two things: diabetes and bipolar. While several times I have told people that going through these conditions are not something you chose and that it’s perfectly fine to take medication because they are medical issues, issues with the physical make-up of their body, I haven’t been listening to myself. I haven’t really believed that on the inside. I couldn’t accept that. Tonight, I do. I did not choose either of these things. I did not choose to be a Type 1 diabetic. I did not choose to be Type 2 Bipolar. I have a near-broken pancreas and a chemical imbalance in my brain. And while I know for a fact that these don’t define me, that they are not my identity because my identity comes from God and His Word alone, this is part of my story. And it’s time to embrace that. It’s time to share this in hopes that maybe it will minister to someone else.

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28 NASB)

These conditions are not seen as “good”, but the one who allowed me to have them is always good. I believe He will use these things for His glory and for my good, according to His will, not my own. What I consider “good” isn’t always what IS good – only God can know what is truly good. I just have to trust Him. Because while I can only see but a page in my story, He sees my whole book. He has a purpose for my life greater than I can even think to imagine. And though that can be hard to see at times, through the pricks and the pain I will remember this verse and I will remember that He loves me and that there is purpose in the pain.

“Remember” by Lauren Daigle has been on my heart this week. Thought I would share it as well.