I’m sitting here scrolling. Why? I don’t even know. It’s not like I’m even looking for something. I’m just bored. Sure, there are approximately 923723.4 other things I could be doing, should be doing, really even need to be doing. But I don’t want to. I’m tired. And mindlessly scrolling is easier than being productive right now.
This – the scrolling thing – hasn’t been an issue for me for years now. But it’s a bad habit I’ve recently picked up. I’ve found that I tend to do it when I just want to “not think” and not be involved. It lets me momentarily check out. It’s pretty ironic actually because I’m not really “checking out” so much as being over simulated by the screen. Mentally, I know it’s doing way more harm than good. It’s just keeping me even more unmotivated to do anything and slowly killing my brain cells. So I don’t know why I keep doing it.
The last few days have been difficult. Actually the entire month has been long and exhausting (I can’t even tell you how many conversations I’ve had with friends and even randomly people about January being 25 weeks and 100 days long) and I for one am ready to start a brand new month tomorrow. But unfortunately instead of embracing the difficulty, I’ve silently been whining. Complaining at times. And finally questioning. as I was driving into town, I thought of all my current worries, fears, and questions in my heart and just cried out to God, “Lord, I’m weary. My soul is tired. I know, it’s my own doing – at least for the most part – but that’s where I’m at. I know I can only see the page I’m on, and You already have my book written, but couldn’t You just give me a little preview of the next chapter?”
And there was nothing, or at least nothing I could hear at that moment. My brain still felt pretty cluttered and noisy. I spent the next few hours with some friends preparing for an event and when we were done I climbed in my truck and began the drive home.
It was dark. I was alone. And it was quiet. I sat in silence for a few minutes and quieted myself before the Lord. I was expectant that He would answer. I was ready for an answer this time.
“Lord, I’m serious. Please – give me something. I know I can only see my page. You’ve written my book. What’s my answer? Can’t You just give me just a tiny little preview of what’s next?”
I wasn’t expecting what He said.
“Walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called”
Did I hear that right? Where did that come from? “Was that really you God?” I recognized the verse from Ephesians but knew I needed to look up the passage. But I thought on that on the way home, had a good conversation with Brandon about it, took a bath, annnnnd forgot to look up the passage. Then I thought about it again and looked it up. Here’s what it says in Ephesians 4:1-3 (NASB):
“Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
Humility. Gentleness. Patience. Showing tolerance for one another. In love. Being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit. In the bond of peace.
Ouch. Those words y’all! We had just recently talked about this in our community group too. Since I’m being honest, I should just go ahead and confess that these things have been a struggle for me lately. I haven’t had much patience with people. Definitely haven’t been showing much love. And gentleness? Yeah – that hasn’t been going the best either. I could continue, but I’m going to move along to my point now….
What business do I have wanting a “sneak peek” of the next chapter in my life when I’m not even living my current chapter, current page at that, well? I haven’t learned what I needed to from this season yet. While my hands may be done with this winter, my heart isn’t. How dare I place myself in the position of God to think that I know best and put my trust in myself instead of Him with the details with my life?
Ouch. Yeah, I said that. I went there. Because I needed to hear myself say it. Needed to read it myself. And maybe you do too.
I don’t want to go through live living the way I’ve been living the last few days. I don’t want to accept the difficulty and sulk. I want to live my life WELL. I want to CELEBRATE even in the difficulty. I want to EMBRACE my season and where God has me currently and know that that is ENOUGH. And with God, with the power of the Holy Spirit inside of be, I KNOW that it’s possible.