Those who are close to me will know the one I’m talking about. If you don’t know, well, that’s a conversation for a different day.
The years of research, planning, spreadsheets, Google docs, YouTube videos – ALL in preparation for THIS trip. Then in August, the trip was booked. I kept an eye on the different reservation type deadlines. The time had finally come. I was doing it. I knew exactly what to schedule, when to schedule it, where to schedule it, how to schedule it – I was fully prepared. After all, I’d spent YEARS waiting for these moments. I mean let’s be honest, for an Enneagram 1 such as myself, planning is half the fun!
But priorities change. Dreams change. People change.
And with that final scheduling opening less than a week out, here I am, having just checked “Yes I understand the terms of my cancellation” box and pressed the dark “Cancel” button. I worked my way through all the corresponding reservations to go along with the trip, cancelling each one with a bit of a heavy heart. But also as I did so, it brought me some delight to know that by me cancelling, that other person who’s been dying to try to get a reservation, that’s checked their phone every day for months now, will finally get the one they’ve been waiting for. So it’s bittersweet.
The funny thing is, I’ve had a feeling this day was coming for a while now. I didn’t want to admit it, but deep down I knew. I’m not going to spell out the details here – just know that at this point in my life, for our family in this season, cancelling it was the right thing to do. It’s hard, but I also have peace because I’ve now done that hard thing, the one I really, REALLY, did not want to do. And I know it’s not forever – one day this trip will come again and believe me, I’ll be just as ready for it then as I was for it this go around. Maybe even more so. And at that time it will be the right time, everything will come together and there will be no guilt in going because we’ll be prepared and going in the right season for us.
But one thing that keeps gnawing at me is this word change.Isn’t it so hard when things change? Sure, I know most of the battle comes with perspective, how you’re looking at the changes. We can get angry over the dreams we’ve had to let go, bitter of our pain. We can feel hopeful and inspired for what may come for the future. We can be grieved over all we’ve lost. We may feel one of those or all of those, maybe even at the same time.
Yeah, this runs deeper than a trip.
I was talking and laughing with some dear friends this weekend as we talked about me finally getting ready to do something she told me to do about two years ago. I remarked, “Well, I’ve changed!” I didn’t understand the weight of my comment at the time, but I’ve been reflecting on it the last two days. Because the truth is, I have changed. And because of that, my priorities have changed. Because of that, my dreams have changed.
And I have grown. I don’t always see that. Actually, most of the time I really don’t see it because I spend way too much being critical of myself, unfortunately. But it’s true. God is so good y’all, in every season, in every moment of our lives, and he changes hearts and lives every day.
Am I where I want to be? Not even close, but that’s just part of the process. And just like how with a trip planning is so much fun for me, there’s so much beauty in the process of change. Oh sure it can be so very difficult at times to change, to let go of the years of expectations, years of waiting, and to change that perspective and to see not what is lost but what is gained in that waiting. But oh how worth it it will be!
I don’t know what you’re going through in this wintry season. I don’t know what seems dead in your life. But one thing I’m learning and re-learning and being constantly reminded of is that God IS working, moving, in the background. We don’t always see what He’s up to, but He hasn’t forgotten you dear one. He’s there. Just hang on. Spring will be here before you know it.
Break Away Blog 